Still alive

 Just dropping in to say I'm still alive. Busy, as usual. I have some odd plans cooking up in my brain. When/if I have time, perhaps I'll update. It's a bit of a crazy idea so I'm letting it cook a bit more. It's a scary idea too! But oh, what a big change it could be. It's a few years away yet though, so no sense jumping into it quite yet. 

My garden is so/so alive and doing well. 

I'm a little sad about my honeydews. They sprouted, but then forgot to grow up. lol

I've got a heated raised bed almost ready to go. Just finished another bed over the weekend. Potatoes are growing faster than I can keep up. My cherry tree has about 7 red cherries. Happy about that, but want so much more. It's just a young tree though. Lots of time to do better.

Umm... that's it really. Garf's home for 2 days a week and we're so busy when he's here that it's almost like he's not here at all. 

Quick update

 We're so, so busy here!

Garf's busy with his new job. Busy, as in he's gone for 5 days a week instead of 3 or 4. Good for paycheck, crappy for us. But considering our washer just crapped out the other day, I can't really complain. We need the paycheck.

I should mention that the washer crapped out the day we butchered chickens. *sigh* 

We did 8 one day, 26 the next, and there's still a handful left, maybe 9 or so. I didn't even know we had that many. I guess I lost count after we'd sold some last fall, in two separate batches. Besides, it's awfully hard to count that many heads unless you want to do it with a flashlight after dark. I didn't. At least we've got enough chicken in the freezer for the year, or close to it. I dehydrated the feet for the doggies. They don't go far with six dogs...

But now that we've got down to a manageable number of birds, it's time to move them to a smaller space and tidy things up. And I need to prepare spaces for quails and rabbits next spring.

Cucumber beetles are eating my plants. Some diatomaceous earth should take care of that problem.

I've finally spouted some tomato plants. Gosh, they take forever when starting from seed. 

I've got the start on a heated garden bed that will help extend my season, and get my seeds started early next year. (Can't start seeds in the house because we have asshole cats)

I don't know if the pumpkins will survive my frisbee throwing skills. I almost decapitated one the other night. Last night, I watched in horror as the frisbee started a left turn and landed BEHIND the trellis and the dog gleefully went after it. 

I forgot to plant my dill and chamomile. 😒

I plucked a newly ripe strawberry from one of the plants - shh, don't tell anyone. 

The grape vine has rewarded our pruning attempts by growing two bunches already. 

My garden is being taken over by ivy very quickly. It's growing from out of the forest beside us. I'm so tired of trying to destroy this crap. We'll be hunting for the root ball next time Garf comes home. I was thinking that next year I'll be planting in buckets all over... but why wait? I might as well just transplant the whole damn thing now and see if we can save some plants.

Peas and beans are thriving. They always do. Even I can't kill those.

I am SO TIRED!

Well, this sure is a blog filled with steamy spanking stuff, ain't it?

Real life sucks sometimes.

I did it!

 I butchered my very first, all-by-myself chicken this morning. From start to finish, plucked and all. Sadly, my knives hadn't been sharpened so there was a little mishap while gutting (No, I didn't cut any fingers off) and the poor chicken was basically sacrificed so I could have a chicken anatomy lesson. But I do have two chicken feet in the oven dehydrating for two lucky pups to chew on tomorrow.

I'm quite proud of myself. I did it. 

Next on the list, other than butchering 35 or so more birds, is to clean out the shed, turn it into a coop, move some birds around, knock down a coop, and set up some nicely raised gardening beds. No more bending for me. I'm too old and the last two kids will be on their way soon. My son is about to turn 19 in 10 days, he just passed his written for his driver's test. Time to get him some practice and then he'll be ready. He's late getting to it, but better late than never. The older three kids never bothered at all and none of them drive. But anyway... the point of this is that I'm not going to have help around here much longer. If I can't do it myself, I need to figure out how to change it so I can. 

I'm like the little engine that could today... but with a headache. But it's ok. I butchered a chicken all by myself!

A Visitor

Spiders are our friends... Right??

I'm not normally bothered by spiders. Well, I have one in a box right now and I can hear his feet scrabbling from 3 feet away. I am bothered.

I was sitting here, minding my own business, checking out a few YouTube videos and this dude just appeared on my desk beside me. I am SO bothered by him/her. 

Hopefully, Garf will be home to remove my new friend safely to the outdoors. I swear it's the size of a newborn kitten. 

Ok... Maybe a mouse. 

Rain = Break

 It's not raining... yet. But that's okay because I stayed in bed a bit later this morning and still have to get out and feed the critters. But we are expecting some rain and I could use the break.

Everything is done. Everything is finally planted. Every bit of the property has been mowed, some bits twice. The very last of the garbage and weird junky things are packed up and ready for tomorrow morning. I got some weeding done in the gardens. We finally sorted through a pile of cedar slabs that we got last year and cut up the useless stuff and have a nice little pile of slabs I can use to keep the dogs out of my gardens.

My outdoor jobs have been reduced to feeding, watering and weeding. 

Next job, if I can find the get up and go, is to go through the freezer and can whatever I can to make room for chickens. 

It's hot.

I don't want to be awake.

My body doesn't want to move.

I'm going to enjoy my coffee. The critters can wait. 

Another long day

 Was it ever hot yesterday! I was really dragging my feet when it came to moving about and getting anything done. But we did get moving and we did get some stuff done. Not the rest of the planting like I had planned. I just didn't have it in me. So we continued to clean up garbage. And then I suddenly decided I wanted a fenced area around the fire so when we decide to cook and eat out we can enjoy it and not be constantly watching and calling for dogs. With 6 of them, that's a lot of checking up. But also, I can now go sit down outside on a nice day, read a book, and not have to wonder if the dogs are in the compost or the coop, or have run out into the highway. I lost one of my dogs like that last year and don't want to repeat that.

Now, keep in mind that we are broke people. We paid this house off in 5 years, there's been periods of time between jobs, vehicles needed to be replaced, and just bad luck, and yes, a few stupid decisions. All that adds up to a pretty depleted bank account at times. So we do what we do with free stuff (junk). It doesn't always come out the prettiest of looks, but around here the motto is "Functional, not pretty."

Sooo... After we'd gathered another pile of garbage ready for garbage day next week, and Garf had extended my garden hoses another 15 feet or so, and found a nice spot to hang them so all four hoses could reach where they need to... I said, "How about a fence? Do we have enough pallets?" Garf grabbed the kids and off they went to bring home some more. I now have an enclosed area. Maybe not so pretty, but it's functional. The dogs stayed put. My crazy girl can jump that no problem, but as long as we're both on the same side she'll stay. The smaller doggies are stuck.

Burning up the wood scraps from five years of building, tearing down, building again.

The very last piece of wood. It's finally down. Yesterday morning there was a pile of junk pallets and other assorted goodies. That little chunk of wood is the last one. 

We've got rain coming the next couple of days. We got a great deal on bananas the other day at 47 cents a pound. Garf bought 40 pounds. I told the kids to eat what they could before they were too ripe and now it's time to make banana bread. 

I haven't gotten pictures yet of the ducklings, chicks, cats, pear tree, cherry tree, or grape vine. Maybe when the rain goes away. I just don't normally have my phone with me outside when we're working and taking pictures is a special trip which I don't often have the energy for. 

Well, that's one cat lol. She's about 10 years old and an amazing weasel killer. She was a feral kitty once upon a time and then she became a reluctant pet. She doesn't spend as much time outdoors as she used to. I don't know who's going to keep the mice and weasel population down when she retires. We got two boys as well, but one is scared of his own shadow and won't even look outside. The other is a straight up indiscriminate bird killer. I'm not his biggest fans. He's killed blue jays and humming birds for no other reason than he's a cat and that's what he does. The girl pictured has only ever brought mice and weasels. She knows what her job is. 

Pictures!

Last year's birthday present - Impossibly smart, stubborn, insane... She climbs trees if her frisbee gets stuck. She washes the frisbee in the kiddie pool if it gets muddy. She sits on the deep freezer staring longingly at the frisbee which is WAY UP on the top shelf, near the ceiling so she can't reach it. She's crazy about chickens (not in a good way). The husky in her makes her very vocal, so often, when I tell her she needs to wait to go outside, she very definitely yells NO! She can jump a six foot fence. She picks up anything I drop and gives it back. She steals things off the kitchen counter and brings them to me because she thinks she's being a good girl. She owns all the toys. The other dogs are sometimes allowed to play with them, but NEVER the frisbee. She understands that "One more throw" means only one more and then it's time to wash the frisbee and go inside. She does not understand "Don't eat the chicken feed you crazy bitch!" Yesterday, she noticed a moose walking by the garden and did not chase it. She growled. And growled. And growled some more. And when it was safely into the woods again, she barked. Loudly. At first growl, I thought it was a damn bear. We don't often get to see  moose and it's more often to be a bear in the yard. So she didn't chase the moose, but God help any innocent bunnies that hop by... She's after them soon as they're spotted. She peels tiles off the floor in my office... as you can see from the pic below.

The Christmas pup. She's not impressed that I woke her up for a picture. She looks like a Golden Retriever, but she's nowhere near the size of one. She's lazy, clumsy, not too bright, and I love her to death.  

Goat family. 2 sisters and their baby boys. The two boys belong to only one mama as the other one lost her baby, but I guess they didn't want to share the milk so one adopted the other mama.

See how tall the asparagus is? There's 8 of them in this bed. 

The chickens didn't get ALL the strawberries. Some of them survived and are looking pretty good.

Two of the ducks. The white one is a female and the duck not pictured here is sitting on a nest. I believe they're taking turns on it.

Little Silkie hen.

Original Mama Hen that hatched 7 chicks last year and is a talented escape artist.

 

One of Mama's chicks from last year. This is the lady that hatched 5 this year, lost one and all of her remaining eggs disappeared. 

The lady's rooster man.

Beep Beep! As you can see, she's missing a few (a lot) of feathers on her back. She was getting picked on in the bigger coop, moved in with the goats, but I didn't like her wandering the property unattended, so we moved her to a new coop with the broody bunch pictured above.

Dead tree in the foreground... I HATE ivy! This was a beautiful tree 5 years ago. See the blue tarp on the ground by the garden? That's covering ivy. I've had to plant in tires and there'll be pots and bags being added as I finish up the planted.

Yesterday was busy!! We finished planting in the garden pictured above. I mowed about half the property but then the wheel fell off the mower. We tilled another small garden bed on the other side of property. Put up the fence around the garden to keep the dogs out. Picked up a ton of garbage laying around. As you can see from the last pic, there's still a lot of junk bits and pieces of wood and other assorted things waiting for me. 

Planting is almost done. We've got green and yellow beans, peas, beets, onions, broccoli, broccolini, cabbage, cauliflower, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, sweet and hot peppers, cucamelons, honeydew melons, eggplant, zucchini, butternut squash, pumpkins, and ground cherries planted. I think the only thing left is potatoes and then some pots of extra tomatoes and cucumbers. Maybe some extra peas as well because the whole plant is good to feed the critters and I've got no shortage of peas, AND they cheap!

Gotta finish mowing, till for potatoes, move garbage wood to the pit for burning...  

I'm tired.

Even quicker than the last quickie

 I must say, I do enjoy an early morning text informing me of where my lips should be - Apparently, it had nothing to do with my cup of coffee.

Just a quickie

First and most important, today is Garf's first day with a new company. He'll be team driving, at least this first time. I don't think he's happy about that part. He's not a good passenger lol. I think it's just this first trip though, and it should only be maybe three days at most, so he'll survive it.

Lots of little stuff around here.

- There is a patch of wild strawberries growing near our fire pit. I'm hoping to encourage them to spread. Add that to the Chanterelles that I discovered last year, and I'm happy. I like free food. 

- Mama hen hatched out five chicks. She was still sitting on 8 eggs. Overnight, she was disturbed by some falling straw and quit her nest for the night. She moved back onto it when we cleaned up. The next day, one chick disappeared overnight, 4 eggs went missing, and she wasn't sitting on the eggs that were left. So, I guess I really shouldn't have counted those chickens before they hatched. I'd sure like to know where the eggs disappeared to. Mama and babies are now safely contained where no one can get lost or hurt.

- Barn has finally been cleaned up after the winter. That took a full day. 

- Garden has been tilled. We got cucumbers, carrots, peas, beans, tomatoes, peppers, hot peppers, onions, and beets planted. Still a lot more to go. We're way behind. Such a short growing season, but we can pop up some tents later in the year if we need to just to get a little extra time and hopefully harvest enough. The real trick will be me getting up some energy to either can or freeze what gets harvested. 

-The grape vine is doing nicely, and out of the 8 sticks we stuck in the ground, it looks like 5 or 6 have new growth. So in the next couple of years, we should have far more grapes than we'll ever need.

-Cherry and pear tree are showing up with some pretty flowers. We've air layered 3 branches on the cherry and 2 on the pear. In another couple of weeks, we should have roots and that'll give us 5 more fruit trees.

-The remains of my strawberry beds are looking nice. Quite a few of the plants have their flowers already. It's not the 60 plants that I started with before the chickens ate everything, but it's more than I had when I started splitting and replanting in the fall. So it was a bit of a setback, but it'll be better next year.

-The mint, oregano, and chives are expanding nicely despite the grass taking over that bed. I'll be digging all that up, splitting and spreading around this year. That's the plan anyway.

-We planted 8 asparagus crowns a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure they were gonna make it. When they were delivered, we were just so busy with everything else that we didn't have time. I left them in the box for a couple of weeks, then opened it when I thought we were going to have a chance to get them in the ground. We didn't. It was about another week. It wouldn't have been a surprise if they didn't grow. The other day, we all swear it was a bare garden bed. Yesterday, there's about a foot of growth. 7 of the 8 are fine.

- Finally, finally, finally, the collection of junk (washer, washer parts, the big stuff) got picked up by garbage collection this morning, along with 2 full cans and who knows how many bits and pieces of other stuff, like one office chair. This stuff has been sitting in the back for about 2-3 years. Garf just keeps adding to it. And while I like to have the junk yard because you never know what you can use, the mess of it was getting to me and I ordered it gone. He sorted through everything yesterday. 

- I now have a hose that stretches from the house ALL THE WAY to the back garden. No more lugging buckets and watering cans.  

Okay, that wasn't as much of a quickie as I'd thought. 

Irrational hatred

 I'm really developing an irrational hatred towards chickens. We have a lot of chickens. Too many. We need to butcher to make room for next years laying stock and, of course, we do need to eat. But I'm just hating everything about chickens so much right now. I just can't seem to get up and get things done. 

We've got about 50 birds, 5-6 of them are roosters. The roosters start crowing around 4 a.m. I hate them.

I tell you, I do NOT need 46 eggs a day. We don't actually get that many, but some mornings, when collecting the eggs, it feels like there's a hundred or so. We candled the eggs under mama hen yesterday. Out of the 17 she's sitting on, only 4 were duds. The rest look good and alive and I imagine that within a week, there should be 13 little chicks bopping around the barn. I do not need or want 63 chickens. (Yes, I'm actually counting my chickens before they hatch.)

As soon as I can set up a separate coop for the couple of chickens we have that go broody, they will be moved and given some eggs to sit on. So there will be more replacement birds. We only need/want about 10 hens, 2 roosters. We're gonna end up with closer to 20 hens being kept simply because we need to keep younger birds and there's a few that just aren't on the block. Broody hens get a pass because I don't want to pay for an incubator or mess about with heat lamps. Mamas do that work for me. Beep Beep gets to stay, of course. She's moved in with the goats now, by the way. That's 3 hens so far. Then we've got the Silkie hen and her man. I'm not one to break up a couple. Basically... I'm gonna be up to my elbows in butchering and canning for the foreseeable future. 

Yay.

But first - I HAVE to plant the gardens. I'm late. Maybe not for Canada weather, but if I'd been on the ball, I could have planted a month ago and had a head start on our very short growing season. *sigh* Maybe next year.

Oops

 I'm the budget person around here. I've got it all under control, right down to literally the last penny... until I don't.

I went merrily on my way at about 5:30 AM, click, click, click, pay, pay, pay... 

And then I looked.

And looked again.

OOPS!

I'd forgotten to shift something from one column to the other, paid everything in full, only to find that there was this one thing left that MUST be paid. No borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I've really got to stop trying to use my big brain when I haven't even had my coffee yet. 

Today, Garf has a drug test to do for his new job... it's a long-ish drive to get there and with gas prices... But it's gotta get done.

Also, there will be that wait of an extra week for a pay while he makes the switch from one company to the other. 

I have a child turning 15 tomorrow. Child wanted roller skates. Pride roller skates. That just happen to be on sale at about 50% off.  And even though we'd already bought and given a Nintendo Switch as an early present, I really wanted to get the damn skates. And had all my duckies lined up in a nice row so I could do that. Now I can't. I want to cry. 

Do I care that I've literally left us without money for at least 2 weeks? Nope. All bills are paid, there's food, gas in the tank, pet food, chicken feed, hay for goats. We can manage without extras for a couple of weeks. 

But the skates... 

*disappointed mommy sounds*

Just how bored am I?

 I don't have much to write about. How much trouble can a girl get into when she lives in the middle of nowhere (nearest Tim Horton's is a 20 minute drive and I don't drive, I'm dead serious when I say we have no neighbors), hubby is gone 4-5 days a week, my work, when it's available, is online so I sit comfy with my PJs and coffee. I'm busy with the thousand dogs that are part of the family, or dishes and some laundry, feeding the barn critters takes about 15 minutes... I mean, that's just about the whole list. BORING!

So, while being bored this morning, I noticed the big letters down the side of my list of blog posts. Those letters are the first letter of the first word of every title. Aha!! A challenge to myself then. I need some words, first of all. Then I'll just need to make a blog post for each letter to spell out those words. 

Yes, I am THAT bored! But I do love word games so... 

If anyone has any fun words to start with, let me know!

New Job

 Well, it looks like hubby's snagged himself a new job. He's doing the driving test now as I write this. Of course, I have no doubt that he'll get through that with flying colors. He's been driving for almost three years. But all the official paperwork from the company came through my email so I got first look at it all and confirmed that he does, indeed, have a new job. (I guess they're not expecting him to fail a simple driving test either lol)

He'll be making more per mile, more per stop, more per layover. Just more of everything. And he gets a uniform lol. I don't know that it'd be the kind of uniform that turns a girl on, but if it'll keep his everyday clothes from being covered in truck smells and oil, I'm all for it. 

What I don't like is that it's still the same job. He's still not going to be home. Perhaps sometime in the future there will be more local work available and he'll be there to grab it if it happens. For now though, I guess we'll just have to see where he ends up. I'm hoping for at least a more regular schedule, Monday to Friday type of thing. Right now, he's up and gone any day of the week and sometime gone for three days, sometimes five, sometimes off for four days at a time, but sometimes only home for one night. I think if I know what to expect, I can deal with it better. I'm hoping, anyway.

It's HOT here today. 30 degrees, in May, in New Brunswick... what?? I mean, I remember not so long ago that us Canadians had to wait til May 24th to get gardens planted, at the earliest. Now it seems like we could safely start in late April or early May. I've never complained much about heat before. I like heat. I don't get hot. In fact, most summers I have a light sweater on for most of it. Not so much the last few years. 

One of my kids that lives in Ontario, is needing to rehome their dog. He's a pup from a litter we had that we kept three of. I do not want another dog in the house, and certainly not another male. We only have one male, the oldest at 9 years, and so do not want another. But I was begged to please take him. And how do you say no to your sobbing baby when they're so far away and you can't do anything else to help make life easier? *sigh* When I told my kids our doors were always open if they needed us, I was not expecting the furry grandchildren. 

Well, everyone's out of the house today, so I think I'm going to go enjoy some quiet TV watching time. 

A Chicken Tale

We have a little speckled hen. She's smaller than everyone else, except maybe the Silkie. Last year, they had a very large yard to run and peck around in. Well, this little speckled hen would run across the yard with her neck stretched out (usually trying to escape a roo) and I said, "Hey, doesn't she remind you a bit of the Road Runner? What was the Road Runner's name?" Everyone whips out a phone. "Beep Beep." So that's how the little speckled hen got her name. 

Well, Beep Beep is one of the friendliest hens we've ever had. She's nosy. She wants to see everything we do. If you tap/slap on any surface, she'll come running. If she spies you feeding the ducks, she'll come from nowhere and land on your shoulder, chattering a mile a minute. She doesn't fit in well with the other hens. They don't really pick on her, but they just kind of leave her out of everything, including meal time. She refuses to stay in the coop where she belongs. Every morning when I go to the barn, she appears from a different spot every time. Sometimes she's far up in the rafters and drops onto my shoulder - scared the crap out of me the first time she did that. She follows me around while I clean goat poop, looking for goodies. She sits near one of our broody hens keeping a wary eye on the mother-to-be in case she attacks, but she knows mama gets tossed some extra treats and sometimes, if she's quick, Beep Beep can snag a bite too.

I call out to Beep Beep in the mornings and it's rare that I don't see her running from somewhere, neck stretched out, hoping to get into the feed bucket before I dump it. She's jumped into a bucket of water in the middle of winter, thinking it was feed. What a terrible surprise for her. During storms, I would fill the feeder in the barn (nice weather, I feed outside) and because the bigger hens won't let her in, she would jump into the feeder head first and all you'd see was her tail stuck straight up.

We love all our critters and spoil them, but we do have to eat, so we try not to get too attached. I don't know if Beep Beep lays any eggs, and if she doesn't, she doesn't have much purpose here... but she's one of the few birds that has a free pass around here. When she eventually dies, of natural causes I hope, she'll probably be buried with some of our other special pets.  We don't eat family. Even the cats understand that. They'll strut around with the chickens, avoid any chicks, and God help the stupid weasel that thinks he can get a free meal here. 

A little lot light on the kinky stuff, but hey, hubby's on the road. There's only so much a girl can get up to by herself.

Updates

 My strawberry eating felons chickens are now locked up. 

My goats have been dewormed, sprayed for lice, and moved to a bigger section of the barn.

I have finally planted asparagus. 

The garlic that I planted last fall and thought the chickens had eaten is doing just fine.

If you throw a frisbee for two hours for an obsessed dog, your arm WILL hurt. 

My father, who had stayed with us for a month or so and then got into a mood and packed up and left without saying goodbye to me (though he had no problem having hubby drive him back to the hell from whence he came) called the other day. We haven't talked since the day he left. I don't even know how long it's been. Less than a year? Or is it more like a year and a half? Well, whatever. I didn't return the call. I'm not putting myself through it anymore. He'll be 87 this year. I wonder if he's finally starting to realize that he has no one left except my money-sucking brothers. They'll tolerate him and humor him because they think they'll get something out of it, and maybe they're still a little scared of him. I don't want anything to do with him. I figure the oldest sibling, my sister, will probably be the one that deals with it all when he finally keels over. None of us talk to each other so I don't know how all those details will be worked out in the end.

Hubby, having spent 20 years trying to figure out what makes me tick, is learning at an amazing rate how to lead me along the path to some pretty amazing orgasms. He's adjusting to all the things, but I'm hyper-focused on sex right now. And wishing we'd figured this all out 20 years ago. Or even 30. Just... why now?? We're getting older and there's no way around having to make changes to accommodate our creaky bones and there are just some things that we cannot do. 

And, we're hoping that by this Sunday hubby may have a new job! It's still gonna be driving a stupid truck 😢 but it is better pay. And when your roof is leaking and needs replacing... well, taking a pay cut probably isn't the way to go. But it does sound like his schedule will be predictable and I guess that'll be nice. 

Fried chicken anyone?

 I'm furious... and a little heartbroken. Last year, we separated about 3 strawberry plants and made some more. Fall came around and I separated plants again and replanted in two nice new beds. I believe I had just over 60 plants. I planted garlic as well, maybe 30. 

About two weeks ago, I peeked under the straw I'd tucked the plants in with for the winter. So many healthy green leaves! Garlic and strawberries had survied. I wasn't sure if they would because I'd never separated plants like that before. I don't have a green thumb. Hubby inherited his from his grandfather. But me? I kill plants. So I was really surprised to see that it looked as if everything had not only survived me AND the winter, but they were thriving!

Yesterday evening, when I took the dogs out, I almost sat down and cried when I saw my garden beds. There was nothing green left. I looked closer. There was nothing left at all. 

We've had some escapee chickens that just won't stay where I want them. Most of the flock stays within their yard. But there's usually five to six every day that refuse and I have to chase them back two or three times a day. Because I have a dog that wants to eat them and sometimes she gets to them before I do. (She doesn't really want to eat them, but she does like to chase and she can get a little rough) Well, I'm wishing I'd let her have at 'em. 

No strawberries. No garlic. No roots. Just dirt. The garlic would have been ready to pull pretty soon. The strawberries would have started sending out runners to make more. Now there's nothing.

I'm feeling really... unmotivated. After all the hard work I did all by myself last year, after dragging water and feed through the snow and cold all winter, by myself, after having 2 goat kids arrive alive and healthy in March... I've been done in by a handful of fucking chickens. I'm so tired. I was so tired! All winter, I was tired, but I kept things going, and now  it feels like it was just a waste of time. I know, it's only strawberries. It's not like the barn fell down, or like everything died. But I had an unnatural attachment to those plants.  

I guess I should be happy that I had to hold off planting because we're mostly under water still here. At least they didn't have anything else to destroy. 

I have a lot of seeds to plant this year. 

There will be a lot of chicken in my freezer this year.

And maybe some fresh fried chicken later this week.

But no strawberry jam 😭

On Fire!

 I think my brain is on fire. But not in a good way. I haven't suddenly figured out the secret to life or anything like that. I think my brain is just burning up. It's going to look like the remains of last year's campfire soon. 

Once upon a time, I would have run circles around learning something new. I used to have a sort of natural talent for just digging into a new program and playing around and in a few hours I'd know my way around pretty good. Well, those days are gone. 

Let's start with just some simple blogging woes. I can't get my widgets to work. This thing refuses to show the blogs I follow. It just won't. Also, most times when I leave a comment, it forces me to post anonymously. Why?? Is this because I deleted my last blog? Is the site angry with me or something? *sigh*  

I used to google my issues, find the answer, and fix. I once spent a full day on trying to set up a Minecraft server for the kids after they'd all given up. I just kept at it, and at it, digging around online, tried everything under the sun. I have no idea or understanding of what actually worked, or why, but I did get it going. 

I'm obstinate. I hate admitting defeat so I don't.

BUT... I am almost ready to admit defeat this time. I'm working my way through a proofreading, editing course. I don't need the course, I just want the guarantee of work when I'm finished. Flying along, doing fine, doing fine. Of course I am. It's pretty much what I already do as a transcriptionist. I edit. I proofread, I grade, and I'm good at it. And then I stumbled into MS Word with this course. A long, long time ago, I knew how to use this. Apparently, my brain is no longer a sponge that soaks up new learning. I know the basics, of course, but using Word capabilities for proofreading is a whole new ballgame for me. I'm finding that keeping track of three different copies of a document is next to impossible... for me. Following step-by-step instructions and I confuse myself. I'm going to need a big poster on the wall detailing those steps to get through the exam.

I *know* it's just a matter of practice. Of doing it over and over again until I know the steps without having to think about it. But the slowness is killing me. I'm not used to needing more than a day to learn a few steps. I'm frustrated and impatient with myself.

I'd rather go read some blogs. 

Acceptance

 Acceptance has been a hard pill to swallow around here lately. But I think we've had so many pills to take that we're getting better at it. 

I've had to accept the fact that the picture I see in my head will never match my reality. Of course it won't. And honestly, I doubt that I'd want it to. I'm sure that there are some fantasies that are better left as just that. But wow, that's a hard thing for me and sometimes, it still gets a little stuck in my throat. 

I've had to accept that I am NOT getting any younger, and time will march on, whether I'm willing or not.

I've had to accept that a 9 p.m. bedtime is now my new normal... to be fair, any later and I will pay dearly the next day. But this goes back to accepting that I am just plain getting old, no matter how much I try to slam the breaks on. 

I've had to accept that having a spotlessly clean, organized house is not within my power while there are still kids and dogs living with me, and wearing myself out trying to make it so is a waste of time. 

I've had to accept that when hubby says "Get in the bath and stay there until that incense stick is gone," he means it... And, he's right when he says I'll feel better after. (I'm a very quick in and out bath/shower person. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time that could be better spent cleaning, or budgeting, or fixing some problem in the world)

I've had to accept that I simply like being spanked. With a hand, a belt, a bath brush... doesn't matter. I like pain and I've given up trying to figure out why. When I finally caved and mentioned to hubby that labels and boxes, and how to "do it right" wasn't in the cards for us, it was making things worse, we dropped it all and are just doing what feels right instead. And it's working.

I've had to accept that no matter how hard you try, you can't always protect your children from a world that seems determined to hurt them. 

I've had to accept that despite our best efforts to be the best parents ever, that sometimes, actually quite often, we fell short and we weren't the best all the time. 

As for hubby, well, he's still learning to accept that maybe it's okay to kick his parent's voices out of our bedroom. That it's okay to hurt me. That there's a difference between hurt and harm. He's learning to accept that some of the darker thoughts floating through his head are okay. That just because something "unacceptable" turns him on, it does not mean he's just going to go indiscriminately grab some unsuspecting woman on the street and fuck her, or hurt her. He's learning to accept himself and his desires. 

I actually attribute some of this new acceptance to our kids, and not just me trying to corrupt him for 20 years. They're all very open and opinionated on EVERYTHING imaginable. They've bombarded him with so much that he's starting to rethink a lot of long-held beliefs. Often, they go the complete opposite direction of us, but I'm so very glad that we've always allowed them to explore and discuss it all and come to their own conclusions, and will argue their side elequently. We don't always agree, but at least they've got reasons to back up what they believe and not just empty words. They are very much their own people and "society" be damned. They simply don't care what others say or think.

No spooks here

 Over on her blog, Morningstar has a post about a spooky adventure. And since I've been watching Supernatural with my youngest monster child, my mind had no problem taking a wander. Were there any haunted places close to home? Well, there were quite a few! Of course, there's haunted locations all around New Brunswick, but for some reason, I didn't expect to find some documented ghosties right in my own backyard. "Ooh, how much fun it would be to go check these places out!" 

*sigh* I have very non-adventurous people living in my house. No one wants to go ghost hunting with me. Spoil sports.

In the interests of not giving my exact location away, here's a link to some haunted locations in New Brunswick.  I'd love to go see some of these places. Haunted or not, I'm just fascinated by all things "old".

When we bought this house, the real estate agent pulled us aside, away from the kids to let us know that "someone had killed himself in the house."  I was halfway expecting all sorts of hairy scary things to go on. We've been here 5 years now and while lots of crappy "how could we have such bad luck" things have happened, I doubt any of it can be attributed to a restless spirit. I'm a little disappointed that I've never felt, seen, or heard anything here. Also, I tried looking online to see if I could find out anything about any deaths that happened in this house, but no luck. Maybe the real estate agent just thought we looked the type to really want to buy a house that could potentially be haunted.

BUT... ask my 15 year old, and you might hear some tales. Like taking her dogs out late at night (1 a.m.-ish late) and hearing me calling from down the road. Apparently the doggies heard it too. Well, I'm in bed by 9 p.m. folks, so it wasn't me. And we have NO neighbors. No late-night walkers on the highway. When I say we live in the middle of nowhere, I'm not exaggerating even a bit. There's been some doors randomly opening. Or hearing knocking in the middle of the night. Her little dog sits in the kitchen at night and barks non-stop at the porch door. 

I don't think we have any ghosts hanging out with us. I think the kid AND the dog are simply suffering from late-night heebie-jeebies when everyone else is asleep and you're trying to get a midnight snack in a dark kitchen.

The Big O

You might wonder why all the fuss about an orgasm yesterday. 

It has always been a difficult place to go for me. So hard, in fact, that I often just considered myself "broken", would feel sorry for whatever poor man was trying to get me there and just tell him to give up. "It's too hard. It takes too long. It's ok, just stop." Very rarely would THIS man stop. Poor hubby. I'm sure it was exhausting. I know I was getting tired of constantly hunting my elusive orgasms. So, while I would "get there" on a pretty regular basis, it often felt more like work than something to enjoy, and rarely would I discover one worth writing home about. 

Yesterday, alterating between pleasure and pain, the orgasm that snuck up on me left me in tears and with a little spark of hope that maybe I'm not so broken after all. 

From 0-60

 I am almost speechless today! I had another idea floating in my head for a completely different post today, but hubby ruined my plans for that. This is far more important.

I'm an early riser. My pups like to get up around 4 a.m. to pee and I can't be bothered going back to bed after that point. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. I take doggies out, I grab a coffee, and check to see if I've got any work to do, and spend some time reading my favorite blogs, or browsing through YouTube and just enjoying the only quiet time I have to myself.

Hubby is a late sleeper. He'd been gone since Sunday morning, and got home late last night, around 11, so I did not expect him to be up much earlier than 9 or 10 a.m. About 7:30 I got a pretty specific text as to where my lips were supposed to be. 

Well, this is some new business around here! I hurried up to the loft and put those lips in place... And then whack! Owies. I almost choked myself on him. My poor delicate pink bits are not as tough as my behind. Not at all. But wait... after the OW... oh... well... that was a nice feeling...

This carried on for a bit and then he pulled the wand out from under a pillow. 1 brush, 1 wand... There was some OWWing, and then some OOOHing... and then out of nowhere, there was some squirting. That was an explosive combination. 

Dear God, what has this man been learning on his nights away from home?

He's sure ramped things up around here. 

I can't wait to see what's next! 

Being Submissive - Part 3

 We've been together since February 2000. We are not actually married. The piece of paper and the ring didn't do much the first time around... Why waste the time and money? I don't need or want a piece of paper that's not worth the paper it's printed on. 

Anyway, back to the story.

Years marched on. We had some kids, moved around a lot - While he would have liked to settle down in one place, I always seemed to be looking for home. In the beginning, I became very good friends with one of his friends. <insert funny story here> This friend doesn't remember when she met him, doesn't remember hanging out much before he met me, and I didn't remember meeting her... she was just... there. For her, it's like he only popped into existence once he met me. 

I say I didn't remember meeting her, but recently, I DID finally remember how it happened. So, at some point early in our relationship,  (we were living together at that point) I had a complete and total meltdown. I mean, total. And it freaked my poor man out. I think I was just simply exhausted, having 3 young kids, and there was a LOT of other crap going on that doesn't need going into. I just cracked up and started crying, wouldn't eat, wouldn't get out of bed. Exhausted but couldn't sleep. And he didn't know what to do with me. He's not normally good under pressure when it comes ot me. His urge to "fix" it gets in his way. He called up this friend, freaking out, and she arrived 15 minutes later, talked calmy with me while I cried buckets of tears, popped a sleeping pill down my throat, told him to tuck me in and let me get some sleep. 

Well, every time it looked like I was about to lose my grip, he'd call her up and she'd come to the rescue. Take me out of the house, away from the kids, and keep me supplied with books to read. Well, it just so happened that the Sleeping Beauty came to be in the mix. 

Now, I'd read Story of O quite young, but being raised the way I was, sex was TABOO. So  I'd read it, returned it to the library and forgot about it. More or less. But heck, now I was all grown up! Sleeping Beauty, now, this was a fairy tale I could get to like... and I wanted all the BDSM content I could find. I was hooked. 

Was I submissive? I'd guess I'd say that yes, in a way, I am naturally submissive. But there's a difference between being scared of your own shadow and being submissive. Wanting to be submissive, that came later on. I was content on just being bent a little to the kinky side... But there wasn't anywhere to go with those feelings. This man... more vanilla than a bottle of pure extract.

Ok, so, about 12 years into being together, the itch, the urge... I had to have what I wanted and that was that. It started with pretty simple stuff. A bit of tying up, blindfolds maybe. But it never happened often enough. I mean, understandable. We had 5 kids by then. So a few times a year, I'd get a little taste, and I just kept wanting more, and more, and more. It took another 5 years before I really dropped it all out on the table and said, "I need. Figure it out."

Ok, not much fair in that. And it was a bumpy start. We tried, he tried, we stopped trying... It's just been a wreck. For someone who liked the whole idea of "submissive", I sure was getting it a lot wrong. I was so submissive that I took our toolbox full of spanking tools and burned them up. I mean, I went outside to our firepit, in the nice private area of our property, lit a fire, and slowly, one by one, dropped each item in and watched it burn. Well, my man, who proclaims that he doesn't always "get" it, has no idea what to do, or when, or how... When he discovered the remains, he trotted off to town, bought some supplies, and promptly made some more. He sat in our camper for two nights, with me beside him, and created more. He also bought TWO bath brushes "Just in case". And then he made good use of everything. I think it was a full week before I felt it was safe to sit down again. 

It was shortly after that that everything broke down again, but it was also at that point that arguments happened less, didn't last for long, and we could come back together again so much faster than we used to. I'm not so jumpy about shadows, I'm not scared of him, and I'm not scared to open my mouth and use some words. So, despite all the failures along the way, something changed. In me, in him, and between us. 

The more I submit to him, the more I anticipate his needs without him needing to micromanage me to death -  and to be honest, why on earth would he want that job? - the more I don't fuss and argue and fight back against everything... Well, I feel a little more settled inside. And he seems to feel a little more comfortable with asking me to get out of my warm bed and fetch him a Pepsi... or ordering up an early morning blowjob. 

He would always say he felt uncomfortable, being so selfish, asking me to do things he could do perfectly well on his own. He seems to be getting over that just fine suddenly. It only took 6 years of working on it. 

Being Submissive - Part 2

 Ok, so I dumped a husband on our first anniversary. This was a Wednesday night. Friday night, my older brother (who lived in the basement of my house) and his girlfriend dragged me out to a bar for karaoke night. Well, I wasn't going to turn down an excuse to get my drunk on. It had been quite a year. My sister-in-law, who also lived in my house, (It was a big house that belonged to my parents who had left my brother and I in charge of it while they were in different provinces taking care of aging parents) stepped in to babysit for me. God, I miss her. We fell out of touch eventually as we both moved to different provinces, but she was my best friend for a long time. 

So anyway... out to the bar we go. We bought our first drinks and I sat down in a random chair while brother and his gf went off to play some pool. I said something quietly (so I thought) under my breath about the person who was belting out a Neil Diamond song and a guy sitting in front of me laughed. That was the beginning.

Well, eventually, brother, gf and I grabbed a table and settled in. Drinking away, and then I hear some guy belting out some Def Leppard and he nailed it. A little bit later on it was, "Hurts So Good." I look up to see who's singing... And I was in love. Just like that. This was the same guy who'd laughed at what I'd said about Kermit (Nickname for the Neil Diamon guy... everyone called him that. He was a regular there). Now, some people don't always "get" my kind of humor. I amuse myself greatly, but not always everyone else. Anyway, turns out that brother's gf knew him, was friends with him... and he's been laughing at my jokes ever since.

The first time he ever visted me at my house, I didn't know anyone had let him in and waltzed out of the bathroom waving a pregnancy test to show my sister-in-law and brother's gf that, yes, indeed I was actually pregnant and almost bowled him over right back down the stairs to the front door. He didn't run away. I had two kids already, another on the way... and he didn't run away. 

I never did learn how to say no. We have 5 kids all together. He has one son from a previous relationship, but that one wasn't raised by us.  

Tomorrow I'll get to the rest of this story - I swear I'm gonna get to the point eventually. I guess I just felt like rambling a bit today. 

Being submissive - Part 1

 A couple of days ago, Windy, over at When The Storm Whispers To The Wind posted this question:  When did you first realise you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?

I thought I'd give it a whirl and see where I end up. I think this will require a bit of my life story before I found my newfie. 

I think it was pretty early in life that I realized something was there inside me. By the time I was 11 or 12, I was reading straight up porn that could be bought at the corner store. 2 books in one, pretty thick, and they only cost about 7 bucks. I have no idea why any adult would let a kid buy books like that, but things were different back then. That would have been mid 80s. Around 13 years old, I discovered The Story of O - I mean, is there any of us that haven't taken a least a peek into that classic? Well, it wasn't long before I learned that it was that kind of sex that turned me on. But it all stayed in my head. 

When I was 17, I'd just moved out of my parent's home and had moved into my first apartment. I worked at the same place as my mom did. Occasionally, we'd stay pretty late as she was the night supervisor and was always the last to leave. The busses weren't running that late at night and we'd share a cab, even though we literally lived at separate ends of the city. Every night we had to take a cab, it was the same driver. And I fell head over heels in love with him. (I found out later that he'd requested that he get the calls to pick us up)

But I was only 17, raised Catholic, just newly out of my safe nest at my parents, and this guy was 26. I'd never dated before. Hell, I didn't even go to school dances. I was shy, and a scaredy-cat my whole life, being raised by a very strict Catholic father with some mental issues, like being bi-polar. My mom tried to be the best buffer between his craziness and us kids, but there was only so much she could do. Anyway... so here I was faced with a 20 minute drive, late at night, alone in a cab with this long-haired guy that kept saying nice things to me. But, oh, I was scared to death! And I didn't believe any of the nice things either. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't all that funny. I wasn't anything special. Just plain me. 

For one full year, he asked me for my phone number at least once a week. I turned him down every single time. I wasn't even an "adult" yet! But finally, he wore me down. The first time we met outside of him "doing his job and driving me home" was the first afternoon after I gave him my number, and he called me a few hours before my shift... And I was sick! I had a stupid cold and had woken up feeling like something the cat had dragged in. He turned up at my door shortly after that with some soup and sent me back to bed and left. 

Well, I didn't know it then, or see it... but looking back, there were a lot of signs that he was accustomed to being in charge, and I was more than happy to submit. But I was still young, still scared of my own shadow, and I think, in that fear, squirmed my way out of that relationship within 2 years. Not before I turned up preggers with my first son though. No regrets. There's no way we were a good match, but I think some parts of that relationship have always acted as a bit of a yardstick to see who measured up and who didn't. 

Somewhere around the time I was 24 (maybe), I met a guy, we lived together, I got preggers again, and then married him.  How that happened is another story all on its own. But chalk it up to a lot of pressure from various sources, me still being just a little girl that was scared and didn't know how to say no, and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. He had no spine. At all. It was odd to find myself in charge in that marriage when that was the last thing I wanted. But I had more balls than that man ever did. It only lasted a year. Exactly one year later, on our anniversary, I told him that I didn't love him and there was no marriage. Unfortunately, I'd had to go out to supper with him, down a pitcher of beer (It was cheap wings and beer night at a local club) to give myself some courage. Well, needless to say we both ended up a bit tipsy. Somehow he missed the message that we were done and he should sleep in the spare room and I ended up preggers with the third child.

A Year in Review

 - I work from home, hubby does not. I am home ALL the time, he is not. He's a trucker... half the time he's not even in the same province as I am. It's terrible and I hate it. We have had enough emotional distance between us that adding physical distance as well has come close to tearing us apart. (We're working on ways to help me feel better about this)

- We have had some pretty ugly drawn-out squabbles between us this past year. It seemed like almost every week, I'd be left in tears as he headed off to work, nothing resolved, and me wondering how on earth we got to this point. 

- Spanking has been on hold for more than a year. Sex would still get a little rough at times, which soothed the beast within me, (a little) but we just weren't "together". We were fulfilling physical needs, but not much beyond that. 

- As far apart as we were, it would seem that neither of us were willing to just give up. We'd just keep butting heads, hurting each other, break into pieces, keep writing messages at night while he's on the road. He still made sure I had my Timmy's coffee stored in the fridge for the days he would be gone (I don't drive so when he's on the road, I'm housebound in the middle of nowhere) and I'd make sure he came home to some food in the microwave and clean clothes in the bathroom for after his shower. Little things, but just enough to let to each other know that as pissed as we were with each other, we still loved each other, we still took care of each other, even if it was the barest minimum. 

- At some point, maybe a few months ago, he got so angry with me that he said I was to never mention any of this (This being DD, kink of any sort) again. I was so hurt that I shut down completely. It felt like such a rejection of ME. I wouldn't answer his calls. I wouldn't answer his texts. 4 days went by while he was gone and there was no communication between us. Another time, I took something he said the wrong way (We all know tone doesn't come across well in a text) and spewed 20 years worth of anger at him. 

- I don't remember how it happened, but we crawled back from the edge again. Slowly. Painfully. But, once again, we came back together. The messages kept flying between us. Trying to understand each other. Me trying not to push too hard, him feeling like he was walking on shards of glass, I'm sure. 

-10 days ago, I was sitting around plotting my escape. I was TIRED! I hadn't sleep well in months. We'd been good/not good for a couple of weeks straight and I just wanted to run away. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Something had happened online concerning some of my kids and I got a late-night text from one of them letting me know about it and I just crumbled. I crawled back into bed, rolled over into his arms and just started bawling. He never said a word, just held me and let me cry myself out.

- We started talking again. He seems to have finally gotten the message that I need all or nothing. Half-assed efforts aren't gonna do it. There's a ton of crossed wires that we're trying to sort out. I'm like a dog with a bone. I don't give up, or let go... I might walk away from it for a bit, but when it's all said and done, the bone is mine and I will have it. I picked, and prodded, asked questions, inserted my own thoughts and opinions on what I thought HIS thoughts and opinions were. Uncovered a lot of misunderstandings. 

- A week ago, I was angry with him. Again. I shouldn't have been. I was being as selfish as I could be and he, rightfully so, was pretty pissed off at me. But, I made sure the house was cleaned up the day he got home. (Wanna guess what kind of muddy mess you can get from having 5 dogs in the house after they've run through the spring melt in my barnyard?) I learned how to use my instant pot all by myself and made real food, with real homemade buns so he had a real supper to come home to. I cleaned our loft bedroom up (after a winter of using it for storage instead of a bedroom), did ALL the laundry, shaved as he likes it, popped clean bedding onto the bed and managed to convince the dogs to NOT sleep in it. And by the time I'd done all of that, I realized that I was feeling much, much better. I wasn't angry with him anymore. (I shouldn't have been anyway, but that's another story)

He's been trying so hard. I gave him a hard time about needing actions, not more words. He tries to give me actions, and I'd give him a hard time about words. *sigh* It would almost be comical if it hadn't done so much damage. 

I think I mentioned that we had a lovely morning a couple days ago. That night, I warmed up some oil while he was having a bath, and gave him a massage before bed, and then I curled up and went to sleep while he watched a movie he's been waiting to see. Yesterday morning, he had to hit the road again, and I was expecting more than I got. I sent him a message shortly after he'd left. 

"I'm almost angry that you left me without an orgasm AND no brush this morning. But I can't be pissy because you're literally giving me what I asked for. I will reserve the right to be sad about it though.

I'm going to resist the urge to direct this. Or at least try to... I don't think you really need me to tell you how to do anything anymore. I think you've got it figured out. You just need to keep doing what you're doing. Thank you for sticking with me long enough to get this far. I'm sorry I drive you nuts."

Of course, I'm sitting here stewing because he hasn't read that message yet. (And of course he hasn't because by the time he stopped driving last night, it was LATE and he would have been exhausted) But when he does read it, he probably won't respond to it. He rarely does. It will be a case of actions, not words. It's only taken me 20 years to figure this out - He always, always, tries to give me what I want/need. It's just not always on my timeline. I think part of the problem, for me, is that he's only home a couple of nights a week. His actions are always delayed for as many days as he's gone. Things feel disjointed and not always connected well by the time he gets home. 

Perhaps I'll eventually learn some patience. 

And that's the short version. But everything in between, well, it's mostly just more of the same. On/off, in/out, up/down and around in circles. But at this moment in time, it feels like we've maybe come out on the same side of that circle for a change. Maybe.  

Yesterday

"What color collar? Red or Black?"

"For who?"

Sigh... Did I really have to ask that? After father and son were done laughing like idiots - 

"For the dog, of course." Well, of course.

In case anyone's interested, the pup is now wearing a pretty red collar - which she doesn't seem overly fond of. And she probably doesn't understand why I'm glaring at her, or feeling just a wee bit jealous.

I'm not that jealous though - the man brought me a present too. I can walk by, hit a button, take the dogs out and it's ready as I pass by again. He remembered to supply me with coffee, too.

Earlier in the day, he was feeling adventurous (sexually adventurous which is unusual for this vanilla man) and sent me a picture and said, "I want one."  So I went to my favorite store - Pink Cherry - and popped some stuff into my shopping cart. "Not right now. I'll wait. Save the money." 

But - "It's on sale! It might not be on sale later." Still a no though, so I sighed and closed up shop. Maybe he wasn't feeling that adventurous. 

I'm not going to complain. We'd had a wonderful morning that was unlike our usual mornings AND I get fast, easy coffee whenever I want. I am a little confused though... It was HIS birthday earlier in the week, not mine. Why did I get the present and not him? 

I'm a little sad this morning. He's off to work again and will be gone til Wednesday night, maybe Thursday. And after months, and months (and more months) of ugly between us, it finally feels like we're reading the same book again. Maybe not on the same page yet, but I think we're at least on the same book. Or maybe it's just the same genre. Okay, okay... it's more like Story of O vs. any Harlequin Romance,  but it's okay - We don't hate each other right now. 

I gotta say, it's hard to work on this relationship when I only see him 8 days out of a month. 

An introduction of sorts

 I am back with a new blog. My last one was called... Ha, I can't remember. It was something about construction because my hubby and I were having such difficulities getting on the same page... mostly about DD (domestic discipline) but then it just became about *everything*. We just weren't together. At all. And life, oh, it just kept happening! It's still happening, of course. I mean, life would be boring as hell if it just paused long enough for me to catch my breath. 

Well, anyway... In a fit of rage... childishness, pure petulance... I deleted that blog. Was it over a year ago? Less than? I don't know. I've no sense of time lately, other than that it just keeps moving along. 

I've titled this blog Ball of Yarn. Because that's what my head looks like, most often. A basket full of tangled up balls of yarn. Ain't no one gonna knit a nice scarf out of this mess. I never think, or speak, in a straight line. I confuse myself sometimes. I pick up one string, follow it for a bit, and then find myself tangled up in another. And I wonder why my poor man is so lost sometimes...

It's not likely that I'll be writing any steamy spanking scenes or the like here... I'm not big on giving out *those* kinds of details. But as hubby and I are still changing and evolving, so too, might this space. I'm just here to pull on the loose strings, follow where they lead and try to wind them up into neat and organized balls.