A Year in Review

 - I work from home, hubby does not. I am home ALL the time, he is not. He's a trucker... half the time he's not even in the same province as I am. It's terrible and I hate it. We have had enough emotional distance between us that adding physical distance as well has come close to tearing us apart. (We're working on ways to help me feel better about this)

- We have had some pretty ugly drawn-out squabbles between us this past year. It seemed like almost every week, I'd be left in tears as he headed off to work, nothing resolved, and me wondering how on earth we got to this point. 

- Spanking has been on hold for more than a year. Sex would still get a little rough at times, which soothed the beast within me, (a little) but we just weren't "together". We were fulfilling physical needs, but not much beyond that. 

- As far apart as we were, it would seem that neither of us were willing to just give up. We'd just keep butting heads, hurting each other, break into pieces, keep writing messages at night while he's on the road. He still made sure I had my Timmy's coffee stored in the fridge for the days he would be gone (I don't drive so when he's on the road, I'm housebound in the middle of nowhere) and I'd make sure he came home to some food in the microwave and clean clothes in the bathroom for after his shower. Little things, but just enough to let to each other know that as pissed as we were with each other, we still loved each other, we still took care of each other, even if it was the barest minimum. 

- At some point, maybe a few months ago, he got so angry with me that he said I was to never mention any of this (This being DD, kink of any sort) again. I was so hurt that I shut down completely. It felt like such a rejection of ME. I wouldn't answer his calls. I wouldn't answer his texts. 4 days went by while he was gone and there was no communication between us. Another time, I took something he said the wrong way (We all know tone doesn't come across well in a text) and spewed 20 years worth of anger at him. 

- I don't remember how it happened, but we crawled back from the edge again. Slowly. Painfully. But, once again, we came back together. The messages kept flying between us. Trying to understand each other. Me trying not to push too hard, him feeling like he was walking on shards of glass, I'm sure. 

-10 days ago, I was sitting around plotting my escape. I was TIRED! I hadn't sleep well in months. We'd been good/not good for a couple of weeks straight and I just wanted to run away. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Something had happened online concerning some of my kids and I got a late-night text from one of them letting me know about it and I just crumbled. I crawled back into bed, rolled over into his arms and just started bawling. He never said a word, just held me and let me cry myself out.

- We started talking again. He seems to have finally gotten the message that I need all or nothing. Half-assed efforts aren't gonna do it. There's a ton of crossed wires that we're trying to sort out. I'm like a dog with a bone. I don't give up, or let go... I might walk away from it for a bit, but when it's all said and done, the bone is mine and I will have it. I picked, and prodded, asked questions, inserted my own thoughts and opinions on what I thought HIS thoughts and opinions were. Uncovered a lot of misunderstandings. 

- A week ago, I was angry with him. Again. I shouldn't have been. I was being as selfish as I could be and he, rightfully so, was pretty pissed off at me. But, I made sure the house was cleaned up the day he got home. (Wanna guess what kind of muddy mess you can get from having 5 dogs in the house after they've run through the spring melt in my barnyard?) I learned how to use my instant pot all by myself and made real food, with real homemade buns so he had a real supper to come home to. I cleaned our loft bedroom up (after a winter of using it for storage instead of a bedroom), did ALL the laundry, shaved as he likes it, popped clean bedding onto the bed and managed to convince the dogs to NOT sleep in it. And by the time I'd done all of that, I realized that I was feeling much, much better. I wasn't angry with him anymore. (I shouldn't have been anyway, but that's another story)

He's been trying so hard. I gave him a hard time about needing actions, not more words. He tries to give me actions, and I'd give him a hard time about words. *sigh* It would almost be comical if it hadn't done so much damage. 

I think I mentioned that we had a lovely morning a couple days ago. That night, I warmed up some oil while he was having a bath, and gave him a massage before bed, and then I curled up and went to sleep while he watched a movie he's been waiting to see. Yesterday morning, he had to hit the road again, and I was expecting more than I got. I sent him a message shortly after he'd left. 

"I'm almost angry that you left me without an orgasm AND no brush this morning. But I can't be pissy because you're literally giving me what I asked for. I will reserve the right to be sad about it though.

I'm going to resist the urge to direct this. Or at least try to... I don't think you really need me to tell you how to do anything anymore. I think you've got it figured out. You just need to keep doing what you're doing. Thank you for sticking with me long enough to get this far. I'm sorry I drive you nuts."

Of course, I'm sitting here stewing because he hasn't read that message yet. (And of course he hasn't because by the time he stopped driving last night, it was LATE and he would have been exhausted) But when he does read it, he probably won't respond to it. He rarely does. It will be a case of actions, not words. It's only taken me 20 years to figure this out - He always, always, tries to give me what I want/need. It's just not always on my timeline. I think part of the problem, for me, is that he's only home a couple of nights a week. His actions are always delayed for as many days as he's gone. Things feel disjointed and not always connected well by the time he gets home. 

Perhaps I'll eventually learn some patience. 

And that's the short version. But everything in between, well, it's mostly just more of the same. On/off, in/out, up/down and around in circles. But at this moment in time, it feels like we've maybe come out on the same side of that circle for a change. Maybe.