We've been together since February 2000. We are not actually married. The piece of paper and the ring didn't do much the first time around... Why waste the time and money? I don't need or want a piece of paper that's not worth the paper it's printed on.
Anyway, back to the story.
Years marched on. We had some kids, moved around a lot - While he would have liked to settle down in one place, I always seemed to be looking for home. In the beginning, I became very good friends with one of his friends. <insert funny story here> This friend doesn't remember when she met him, doesn't remember hanging out much before he met me, and I didn't remember meeting her... she was just... there. For her, it's like he only popped into existence once he met me.
I say I didn't remember meeting her, but recently, I DID finally remember how it happened. So, at some point early in our relationship, (we were living together at that point) I had a complete and total meltdown. I mean, total. And it freaked my poor man out. I think I was just simply exhausted, having 3 young kids, and there was a LOT of other crap going on that doesn't need going into. I just cracked up and started crying, wouldn't eat, wouldn't get out of bed. Exhausted but couldn't sleep. And he didn't know what to do with me. He's not normally good under pressure when it comes ot me. His urge to "fix" it gets in his way. He called up this friend, freaking out, and she arrived 15 minutes later, talked calmy with me while I cried buckets of tears, popped a sleeping pill down my throat, told him to tuck me in and let me get some sleep.
Well, every time it looked like I was about to lose my grip, he'd call her up and she'd come to the rescue. Take me out of the house, away from the kids, and keep me supplied with books to read. Well, it just so happened that the Sleeping Beauty came to be in the mix.
Now, I'd read Story of O quite young, but being raised the way I was, sex was TABOO. So I'd read it, returned it to the library and forgot about it. More or less. But heck, now I was all grown up! Sleeping Beauty, now, this was a fairy tale I could get to like... and I wanted all the BDSM content I could find. I was hooked.
Was I submissive? I'd guess I'd say that yes, in a way, I am naturally submissive. But there's a difference between being scared of your own shadow and being submissive. Wanting to be submissive, that came later on. I was content on just being bent a little to the kinky side... But there wasn't anywhere to go with those feelings. This man... more vanilla than a bottle of pure extract.
Ok, so, about 12 years into being together, the itch, the urge... I had to have what I wanted and that was that. It started with pretty simple stuff. A bit of tying up, blindfolds maybe. But it never happened often enough. I mean, understandable. We had 5 kids by then. So a few times a year, I'd get a little taste, and I just kept wanting more, and more, and more. It took another 5 years before I really dropped it all out on the table and said, "I need. Figure it out."
Ok, not much fair in that. And it was a bumpy start. We tried, he tried, we stopped trying... It's just been a wreck. For someone who liked the whole idea of "submissive", I sure was getting it a lot wrong. I was so submissive that I took our toolbox full of spanking tools and burned them up. I mean, I went outside to our firepit, in the nice private area of our property, lit a fire, and slowly, one by one, dropped each item in and watched it burn. Well, my man, who proclaims that he doesn't always "get" it, has no idea what to do, or when, or how... When he discovered the remains, he trotted off to town, bought some supplies, and promptly made some more. He sat in our camper for two nights, with me beside him, and created more. He also bought TWO bath brushes "Just in case". And then he made good use of everything. I think it was a full week before I felt it was safe to sit down again.
It was shortly after that that everything broke down again, but it was also at that point that arguments happened less, didn't last for long, and we could come back together again so much faster than we used to. I'm not so jumpy about shadows, I'm not scared of him, and I'm not scared to open my mouth and use some words. So, despite all the failures along the way, something changed. In me, in him, and between us.
The more I submit to him, the more I anticipate his needs without him needing to micromanage me to death - and to be honest, why on earth would he want that job? - the more I don't fuss and argue and fight back against everything... Well, I feel a little more settled inside. And he seems to feel a little more comfortable with asking me to get out of my warm bed and fetch him a Pepsi... or ordering up an early morning blowjob.
He would always say he felt uncomfortable, being so selfish, asking me to do things he could do perfectly well on his own. He seems to be getting over that just fine suddenly. It only took 6 years of working on it.
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